


to sleep, perchance to dream

by estel_willow, mandsangelfox



Series: All Our Shattered Pieces [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parabatai Feels, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-12 08:16:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17463881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estel_willow/pseuds/estel_willow, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandsangelfox/pseuds/mandsangelfox
Summary: Jace and Alec have a history, of course they do. Trapped in a binary orbit, stuck on different pages, they never came together. What happens when that history starts to bubble over? When that common ground becomes rocky and uncertain and all they have is each other?





	1. Nightmares

Being possessed and having had his body used as a means to hurt, kill, torture and destroy everything he - Jace Herondale - held close and dear to his heart was a very hard pill to swallow. Impossible really.  He might not have been in control as people were quick to remind him but he'd been witness to all of it, screaming until his throat was raw, not being too proud to beg, and yet it had made no difference. The Owl had allowed him a window into the outside world but had made sure that the glass holding him was indestructible. Every sound he'd made was muffled and it didn't matter how many times he'd beaten his hands against the walls of his cage until they bled he still hadn't been able to change anything.   
  
And now the Owl was gone and only Jace remained, but he wasn't alone. He had memories, thoughts, feelings and the most crushing of all was the guilt he felt. It pressed down on his chest, stealing his breath, and the loss of Clary was yet another death to carry on his long battered conscience. If not for him she'd still be alive, she never would have been taken to Lilith and somehow his not being in control gave him an excuse to not be accountable?   
  
Bullshit.

He should be held responsible, he should be taken to task, he'd let the Owl in and he'd let Lilith touch his soul and strip away his humanity. He was supposed to be stronger than that, he'd been trained to be tougher, and yet he'd folded like a poorly stacked house of cards the moment Lilith got her claws into his soul. He was back, sure, but he felt like he was carrying the events during his possession like a permanent tattoo as every moment felt emblazoned and burned deep into his being until he couldn't exist without it.    
  
Of course nothing could be said or done to ease it so instead Jace poured all that anger and frustration into slamming his fists into a punching bag as hard as he possibly could, hoping that maybe if he exhausted himself just enough he might actually sleep without dreaming because every dream he had these days turned very rapidly into a nightmare he couldn't escape.

Grief was palpable in the air, and Alec could feel it everywhere in the Institute. With Lilith destroyed and Valentine gone, the immediate threats extinguished they had time to breathe. To reflect. And with reflection came the crashing waves of grief that rippled over them all as they realised just how much they'd lost. How many friends, colleagues and family members had been taken from them by all of this. How many mundanes had suffered, been murdered, as a result of their lack of oversight. Of Alec's lack of oversight. 

Magnus had wanted him to stay with him for a while, away from the Institute, but he'd done that enough. Too much. If he'd been around more he'd have noticed something. He should have noticed more than he did, should have seen something that told him Jace wasn't okay. He should have moved more quickly against Valentine. Should have- shouldn't have sent Jace and Clary alone to Lake Lyn. The more he reflected on his actions, the more he realised that he wasn't cut out for this.    
  
Someone else would be better to run the Institute here, Lydia maybe. She never hesitated to follow orders, to do the right thing even if it was the unpopular decision.   
  
Raking his hands through his hair, he wandered the halls unable to rest. Every time he slept, he dreamed of feeling Jace's death and watching his Parabatai rune disappear, of seeing Jace above him with the arrow in his hand and the cold fury in his eyes. The press of metal against his skin as the burning pain as he felt the arrow go in. He was getting tired of waking in a cold sweat.

The rhythmic sound of someone using the central training room caught his attention and Alec didn't need to see who it was; the prickling along his skin told him it was Jace. The echoes of the other Shadowhunter through their bond pinging back to him like sonar and he figured it wouldn't hurt for someone to remind Jace that sleeping was still a requirement, no matter how many times you activated your stamina rune. 

"Imagining anyone's face in particular on that?" he asked, voice low as he folded his arms and rested his shoulder against the door frame, tilting his head to the side slightly and feeling the wood press against his hair.

Jace knew it was Alec before the other man spoke, had felt his presence like the tiptoeing of fingertips along his spine, and he swallowed hard as he like Alec could still remember every single painful moment of when his hand had pushed an arrow into his parabatai's chest. 

He broke off from his flurry of punches and offered what he hoped was a pretty Jace-typical smirk as his wrapped hand pushed into the long strands of damp blonde hair, tugging it back from his face.

"Yeah, something like that."

Alec pushed off from the door frame, long fingers snagging on an untouched bottle of water. He threw it in Jace's direction with a quiet 'catch', watching as Jace moved away from the punching bag and swept his hand through his hair.

He cleared his throat and looked away, directing his eyes to the ceiling instead of watching Jace's shirtless body. The smirk might have been pretty typical but Alec knew Jace better than that. He'd spent such a long time ignoring his gut when it came to Jace that he wasn't about to do that now.    
  
"Trouble sleeping, huh?" He offered Jace a small half smile before he rubbed at his chest absently, "Seems to be going around." After a pause, Alec added, "You wanna talk about it?"    
  
Because talking was something that helped, or so he kept being told. Izzy had found that talking to mundanes about her yin fen addiction had been just as beneficial to her recovery than anything else. He thought that might be the same for Jace.

Jace caught the bottle of water as it was tossed his way and without a moment's hesitation he uncapped it and took a very long very deliberate pull until he'd practically drained the entire contents in one breath. "You too, huh?" Jace replied, well aware that Alec had also had trouble sleeping, their connection now no longer blocked by the Owl was stronger than ever and there were some things you just knew as a parabatai. 

He glanced over at Alec at the exact moment he rubbed at his chest and Jace felt his jaw tighten as he had another awfully vivid flashback to the moment where he'd nearly killed Alec. For real, not just in his head.

"Not sure where to start," he admitted ruefully as he picked up a towel and rubbed it over his face.

"Well, trying to explain to the Clave why they shouldn't take Simon in for study after he managed to banish Lilith with his forehead is pretty time consuming," Alec responded with a dry, humourless chuckle. He wandered closer, settling down on the bench and hunching forward, forearms braced on his thighs and fingers loosely linked together. It was easier than watching Jace downing water, easier than watching him and knowing that he'd failed him. 

He cleared his throat again, something that had started to feel like a nervous tick.    
  
"Wherever you want, Jace," he offered, glancing up through dark lashes without judgement. "I'm a pretty good listener."

"Yeah, I can't imagine that's been easy," Jace agreed as he looped the towel around his neck and turned where he stood, hands now curled tightly around the edges of the towel as he turned to face Alec as he sat on a nearby bench. Not that he looked at Alec but rather his focus became his parabatai's hands, the long tapered fingers, and the palms he knew were covered in callouses from all the years of training with a bow and arrow. He pushed a breath out and then stepped over to join Alec on the bench unconsciously mimicking the other man's posture.  
  
"How's... Magnus?" Jace asked, hesitantly, because that was yet another sacrifice he did not deserve.

Alec felt his whole body tense at the mention of Magnus. Not because he didn't want Jace involved, far from it, but he harboured a pang of guilt there too. He didn't have much control over Lorenzo, or how he perceived Magnus, but if he'd relied on the other warlock less perhaps Magnus' image wouldn't have been tarnished with the High Council. Perhaps he'd have still been the High Warlock and then he'd never have had to make a deal with his father to get the power to save Jace. 

His thumbs pressed together before he forced them to relax, taking a slow breath before he answered. "Honestly?" he asked, tilting his head just a fraction to look at Jace. "He's adjusting. It's a bit of a struggle, he's used to just being able to wave a hand. But I know Catarina's looking into what we can do to get his magic back." Though none of them was under any illusions that it was a practically impossible task.    
  
He dropped his head, looking at the floor and then wetting his lower lip. He didn't need to look at Jace, he could feel him against his side, burning the way he always did. Alec had thought, a long time ago, that he'd be able to just ignore it forever.    
  
"He'll be fine. He asks about you." Over text message, because without being able to portal between Magnus' and the Institute, Alec was spending most of his time here, so he wasn't seeing as much of Magnus as they both might have liked.

Jace rather purposefully didn't look at Alec for the longest of times because he didn't trust his face not to give away just how bad and guilty he felt for the fact Alec's boyfriend had to make the sacrifice he did because of... him. He did, however, turn his head when he felt Alec's eyes on him, the same eyes that were able to pick apart his defences better than anyone. 

"Pretty sure I should be the least of his concerns," Jace admitted with a humourless chuckle. "But uh it's good to hear that he's doing okay. Not great, but okay. I know how hard it must have been for him-" He swallowed, wetting his lower lip before he exhaled a shaky breath.

Alec leaned to the side slightly, shoulder to shoulder with Jace. He might not have been looking at him anymore, but he knew that tone. He could<i>feel</i> Jace's pain and he didn't know how to fix it. 

"Stop it, Jace. What Magnus did, he did on his own." Well, no, he did it for Alec, but that was Alec's burden to bear, because Alec couldn't see a world without Jace, couldn't see a future for him without Jace in it. "You didn't make him do that, any more than you meant for everything that happened to happen."

Jace took more comfort than he probably should from the simple press of Alec's shoulder against his own. It was anchoring in all the ways that other things were not. "Still, I can't help but feel-" He shook his head a moment later. "I don't know." And he didn't. It wasn't like he'd asked Clary to resurrect him with the one wish from Raziel. 

Still, maybe he could be less accepting and more...  hell, he didn't know.   
  
"Any idea when I might be cleared for active duty again?"

"Feel what?" Alec pressed, brow furrowing. He didn't move away, knowing just how tactile Jace actually was even if he had never wanted to admit it. He heard Jace's question around active duty but didn't know what to say; the Clave hardly wanted to allow him to even remain in the Institute but had grudgingly accepted that Jace was a victim. He blew out a breath; he'd deal with that in a minute. "Feel what, Jace?"

"Nothing," Jace countered with a shake of his head. "It's nothing." How to tell your Parabatai that you thought and truly believed that it would have been better for all involved if you'd just been killed? His grandmother wouldn't have been killed, Alec wouldn't have had an arrow shoved into his chest, Clary would still be alive- Just too much loss and for what, him?

"Don't do that, Jace," Alec chastised, not willing to let it go right now. He could feel Jace's emotions simmering underneath their bond, never quite enough to bleed through unless one of them was dying- and Alec was so glad that Jace had never had to feel that from him. "Talk to me."

Jace pressed his teeth together and swallowed back a sudden lump which had formed at the back of his throat. "I don't know, sometimes I think it would have been better if I'd been killed. If I'd been able to do it when she had me trapped and then maybe none of this would have happened." His gaze was now no longer on Alec and was instead focused on his hands.

Alec felt his chest tighten as Jace spoke and he reached out, catching Jace's forearm and then shifted closer, slinging an arm over Jace's shoulder and tugging him close.

"Don't say that," he said firmly, hoping that disguised the slight shake in his voice. "Don't <i>ever</i> say that."    
  
After a pause, Alec turned his head to rest his mouth against the top of Jace's head, speaking into his hair. "What Clary did- I- I would have done the same thing. I- I couldn't-"

He should have but he didn't fight the pull of Alec's arms and if anything he folded into it the same way he had on that rooftop and in his mind when he'd killed Clary over and over. Jace had spent so long denying his feelings and ignoring his emotions that the moment those floodgates opened it seemed impossible to shut them.

His hand came up and closed around Alec's wrist and squeezed tightly, profoundly, thumb slipping out to press against the exact point of his pulse as he needed that reassurance that despite his best attempts that Alec was still very much here and alive.   
  
"I just- I can't stop thinking about everything that happened, Alec."

"It wasn't you," Alec mumbled against Jace's hair, holding him tightly, his other hand reaching over to touch Jace's knee. This would have worked better as a hug, but this was all he could do right now. He tightened his hold on Jace, a reassuring squeeze to let him know that he was listening. "Everything that the Owl did, Jace that wasn't you. I know it's- I know it was your hands, and your body but you weren't doing it."

He knew that didn't make it better, because he was still haunted by what he'd done to Clary's mother when he'd been possessed by a demon. It was nothing compared to what Jace had gone through, but he sort of understood, at least a little bit.    
  
"But I get it. It's easier to be forgiven than it is to forgive yourself."    
  
It was on the tip of his tongue to apologise. To apologise for letting Lilith take him again. For not noticing sooner, for noticing something was off and not doing anything quickly enough. For focusing on something that wasn't his parabatai. He'd promised himself never again.    
  
And never again started now.

Jace drew in a shaky breath as he tried to take comfort in Alec's words but he still couldn't shift the nagging sense of guilt and if he could run from this he was pretty certain he would. 

"Yeah, something like that," he rumbled as he just flexed his grip around Alec's wrist. It didn't help that he knew that his fellow Shadowhunters didn't trust him and he caught them watching him. Couldn't blame them but it still hurt, felt like the time when he'd thought he was Valentine's son and had demon blood.    
  
He felt a tickle of something at the peripheral of his own emotional thunderstorm and instantly recognised it as being Alec's emotion, one of guilt and regret and his brow furrowed. "You know you have nothing to be sorry for, right?"

Alec frowned a little, leaning back to look down at his parabatai before he just lifted his shoulder. "We're not talking about me right now, Jace," he pointed out. "C'mon, you need to go to sleep. You've been running on fumes for long enough and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let it continue any longer than it has to."

Besides, Jace was wrong; he had a lot to be sorry for.

As Alec leaned back Jace took that moment to scrub his hands over his face before pressing the heel of his palms into both eyes and just nodded. "Mm, yeah, sleep. That's a good idea." If he could that was. His dreams were less dreams and more haunting nightmares that followed him into the waking world.

Still, he had to try.   
  
Jace pushed himself to his feet and crossed over to collect and pull on this t-shirt.

Alec pressed his fingers together as Jace pulled away, steepling them hard enough for the tips to turn white and for his right wrist to start aching slightly before he got to his feet too. 

When Jace had first come to Idris and had been left at Alec's mom and dad's door he had terrible nightmares and didn't ever want to admit that he couldn't sleep. Alec had taken to sitting beside Jace's bed and talking for hours until he fell asleep, and that became a routine; every few nights they had a talking sleepover, and Jace never mentioned it, and neither did Alec.    
  
He cleared his throat and clasped his wrists behind his back, shoulders squared. "I mean it, Jace. You look like you're about to drop."

Alec might have thought Jace hadn't noticed the way he was cradling his wrist but he had and it was another reminder of just how close he'd come to completely ruining his parabatai. That along with a couple other things was a hard pill to swallow, it really was.

"I don't look that bad, surely," Jace remarked with his best Jace Herondale grin which on any other day would be cocky and full of arrogance but given the events of recent past, it was definitely more weathered around the edges that it would be normally.

"You really do," Alec responded with a small smile, the affectionate kind that caused his eyes to crease in the corners. Now that Jace was wearing a shirt again, he slung his arm over his best friend's shoulders once more and tugged him close. "It's to be expected, but if you wanna even have a chance of going back out into the field any time within the next century, you need to start sleeping more."

Alec had a point, but sleeping was easier said than done. Jace had his fair share of nightmares, hard not to considering his childhood, but the nightmares since his possession by the Owl definitely put his former ones to shame. As Alec tugged him close he lifted his own arm and wrapped it around the other man's waist in an easy display of affection which was, for the most part, reserved mostly for him and by extension the rest of the Lightwood family.

"It's a work in progress."

Alec just hummed in response and steered Jace out of the training room, walking in silence until they hit the door to Jace's room. 

Pushing the door open, the bed was a mess; sheets rumpled and twisted like Jace had been wrapped up in them and tried to fight his way out from the nightmares that Alec was pretty sure he was having but wasn't talking about.    
  
"You remember when you first came to mom and dad's?" he asked, shrugging out of his jacket and folding it in two, draping it carefully over the desk chair, "In Idris?"

"Yeah," Jace said with a nod. "I remember." That had been a very long time ago but the memory was still vivid. He'd been nothing more than a very feral young child with little to no trust in anyone or anything. "Christ, that feels like such a long time ago." He kicked his sneakers off and began to peel out of his sweat-soaked top in favour of something clean and dry.

"That's 'cause it was," Alec said, crouching to unlace his boots, one at a time, not watching Jace as he did, focusing on the movement of his fingers on the laces, each shoe being carefully untied before being placed side-by-side near the table leg. 

He rubbed the back of his neck and perched on the edge of the bed. "It's worse now, right? Than it was then?"

Jace turned his head to look over at Alec before just giving a small nod to indicate that he was right, it was definitely worse now than it had been back then. "Not that I'm surprised all things considered." He smoothed his hand through his hair before he walked back and slipped onto the bed.

"No, it's- you could go to the Silent Brothers," Alec offered, "they might be able to help you handle the memories." He thought about suggesting a mundane help group, considering how much it had helped Izzy, but then really what mundane experience could be compared to a possession? 

He got up, moved to the top of the bed and sat there, a pillow behind his back as he rested against the headboard, long legs stretched out in front of him. "There's no shame in asking for help, Jace."

"Yeah, maybe," Jace agreed. He'd thought about the Silent Brothers once before, when he thought he was losing his mind, but had never actually got the chance to see them thanks to the Owl and Lilith's influence but maybe it was worth a shot?

He shifted to rest his back against the headboard and tipped his head to look at Alec. "I know, I just- I guess I'm still trying to figure stuff out."

"And you realise it's gonna take time, right?" Alec asked, shifting and slinging his arm over Jace's shoulder, tugging him close again. "You can't just... get over what happened. So if they- if you think it'll be worthwhile I'll come with you. At least to the Silent City. Can't go in with you, but I can at least drop you off." 

He rubbed his hand along the top of Jace's arm and squeezed gently before he turned his head and rested it atop Jace's. "Whatever you need, Jace."

Jace wasn't the most patient so the idea of having to wait this out was agonising to say the least. The Silent Brothers though it was a good call, they might be able to help. He was willing to try anything at this point, he really was. As Alec slung his arm over his shoulder he leaned into and didn't think much about the display of affection because his parabatai had always been forthcoming in that regard.

"Thanks," he murmured. "I uh appreciate it."

Alec just hummed quietly, kissed the top of Jace's head and then tipped his own back against the headboard with a muffled thump. "Get some sleep, Jace," he said finally. "I'll stick around for a while, see if that doesn't help."

Jace was sceptical, to say the least, and he was pretty sure that was irking out of him though rather than commenting he pushed a breath out and closed his eyes. Maybe if he tried a little harder then he might sleep, though the longer he stayed where he was, resting against Alec, the easier it seemed to be to let sleep overcome him.


	2. No Rest (for the wicked)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Alec's face broke out into a little grin and he slid out of Jace's grip, returning behind his desk to quickly send a message to Lorenzo, asking him to come in and consult - again - on this anti-love potion that Magnus had ended up inadvertently making for Lilith and ways that it could be reversed and removed so that Jace could just... get back to himself. To be happy with Clary again._

Normally, it was Jace that was abusing his stamina rune, pushing himself until his body couldn't physically take it anymore, but Jace still wasn't on active duty so he had little need to work himself into an early grave. They'd found out that Clary was in Edom - a fact which had thrown Simon for such a loop that he'd nearly lost his mind and it was only because his Praetor Lupus guardian was there to keep him in check that nothing terrible happened - so Alec had started negotiations to get her out.

He'd gone to the Seelie Realm and visited the High Warlock of Brooklyn, finding the man as flirtatious and slimy as before although Lorenzo seemed to like him well enough so the conversations were easy even if the Warlock was more focused on protecting his people than supporting the Shadowhunters (as he rightly should have been). He hadn't asked Magnus for his help, partly because he was still recovering his magic, which had been the catalyst for an argument that Alec really hadn't had the time or patience to deal with so he'd walked out, leaving things on an incredibly sour note.

In the end, after a particularly tricky deal with the Seelie Queen, Alec had managed to obtain enough support to arrange for two people to enter Edom to get Clary back. They weren't Shadowhunters; it wasn't even remotely safe for them to be down there, so he hadn't told Jace or Izzy of the mission, not until Clary was deposited back into the care of the Insitute, dirty and scorched, twitchy and afraid but alive and that was what counted. 

Once he knew she'd be able to at least rest, if not sleep, Alec had returned to his office and used his stele on his stamina rune, feeling less of a boost from it than he had before, but it was enough. Three hours of paperwork later, when Alec got up to go and find more coffee, a dizziness overcame him which meant that he staggered, catching himself on the corner of the desk and not noticing until it was too late that the door to his office was open, which meant that Jace - who was standing there - had witnessed that.

Alec cleared his throat and rightened himself, smoothing down his t-shirt and lifting his chin, clasping his hands behind his back as he arched an eyebrow at Jace, intending on just pretending that hadn't happened.

"Aren't you supposed to be with Clary?" he asked, Simon and Jace had been there almost constantly since she'd returned.

Jace hadn't ever imagined that it would be possible to bring Clary back let alone from Edom, but somehow Alec had managed it. That in itself told Jace that he'd made the right decision by making Alec the Head of the Institute. Not that he'd ever doubted it, but it just reaffirmed that for once in his life he 'd actually made the right call. He'd genuinely thought he was going crazy when Clary turned up, looking really worse for wear, but alive and while Jace might not feel the same way he did before he did still care about her and so he'd stayed with her right up until the point she'd fallen asleep.

It was at that point he realised that Alec was missing, slipped off in the madness of welcome, and Jace's brow creased with concern because if he still knew Alec as well as he hoped he did, he knew Alec would be somewhere working, and probably not taking a break. Of course, as he approached and stood in the doorway to watch his Parabatai stagger and catch himself on the nearby edge of the desk, Jace arched an eyebrow. It seemed that his instincts, when it came to Alec at least, were still spot on.

"Simon's with her," Jace returned smoothly as he stepped into Alec's office before gesturing. "Though I'm starting to think that right now you need more rest than she does."

With everything that had happened recently, Alec had been holding onto a few key truths; Jace and Clary belonged together and loved each other regardless of an anti-love elixir and the Downworld trying to force them apart. Jace and Clary were in love, and Nephilim only loved once, so it made sense that they had just jumped into things and did stupid stuff for each other. Alec might not have liked it then, and he didn't technically like it now, but it was a fact. 

He'd also had no messages from Magnus and wasn't going to be the one to reach out and apologise first again. It might have been a stupid matter of pride, but honestly, Alec was so busy right now and had promised himself that nothing would come above the Insitute and his Parabatai again that if Magnus couldn't understand that then that, wasn't his problem. Not right now. 

He rubbed his hand over his face before he rolled his shoulders slightly. "I'm fine, Jace, surprised you've left her considering how worried you were, but fine. I just..." he waved his hand towards the desk, "had a lot of paperwork to do. Justifying why I took that course of action to the Clave." He gave a humourless smile, "Something I seem to be doing a lot at the moment."

"Did you forget that I can tell when you're lying?" Jace challenged with a lift of his eyebrow as he ventured into Alec's office. "You look exhausted and I'm pretty sure you said something to me about how sleep is important." He trailed his fingers over the edge of the nearby desk and lifted his eyes to rest on Alec's face.

His shoulders shrugged a moment later. "The Clave just doesn't like it when people think for themselves and don't just follow orders like good little soldiers. I think it scares them."

"It's not that," Alec said, pinching the bridge of his nose as he lifted his arms to cross them defensively over his chest. Jace had more than enough on his plate anyway and he felt a surge of irritation at himself for letting Jace catch him like this, tired and grumpy and overworked. "It- it doesn't really matter. What matters is she's back and safe and as well as can be expected." 

He cleared his throat. "And yeah, sleep is important; you're still technically recovering and tryna convince me that you're ready for active duty, aren't you?"

Oh, the Alec arms over the chest move? Jace at that point knew he was on to something because he only ever got that particular posture when he'd hit a nerve. And of course, Jace being Jace wasn't about to give up when he knew he had something on the hook.

"Pretty sure you can't tell me to sleep more if you're not doing the same thing," he pointed out with a look. "You know, gotta lead by example."

Alec rolled his eyes. "I am leading by example; I'm getting my paperwork done, _Jace_ ," he gave an equally pointed look in response. He rubbed a hand through his hair, lingering at the back of his neck before he re-folded his arms and huffed out a breath. 

"Why aren't you sitting with Clary?"

"Don't you huff at me," Jace fired back with a smirk as he trailed further into Alec's office. "And I already told you, Simon's with her." Like it was that obvious. Maybe in the past he would have insisted he not leave her side but that was then and this was now, and he had more important places to be than by Clary's side. The need to hover over Clary was like a distant memory, and she was in good hands.

"And?" Alec challenged, "That hasn't stopped you before." 

He frowned again, feeling like the expression was going to cement itself onto his face if the wind changed. A stupid mundane expression but it fitted the circumstances. Something in the back of his head clicked, pushing his memories of exhaustion off to one side as he was so often able to do when Jace was involved. "You- how _do_ you feel about Clary, Jace?"

"Uh..." Jace begun, looking particularly confused by the random question from Alec. "That's a really random question, Alec. Why would you ask that?" He was genuinely perplexed because it seemed like that question came from a place of concern and he didn't get that. "I mean she's a good Shadowhunter, definitely needs to get better at guarding her right side, but she's my friend and I don't know-" He lifted his shoulders into a shrug. "I'm happy she's not dead if that's what you mean?"

"You know why I'm asking, Jace," Alec pushed. The confusion across Jace's face didn't make him feel any better about the situation; the fact that Magnus' potion was evidently still in full force. Despite everything that had been done to free Jace from Lilith's clutches it wasn't enough to have replaced what she'd taken. "Lilith gave you an anti-love potion, or whatever Magnus called it."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and then crossed his arms across his chest. "Before that, you'd have been in her room without taking a break to do anything until she woke up. I just- I'm worried about you. We don't know what else is left over from Lilith's influence, what else she might have done to try and get control over you."

Jace pushed a breath out of his chest, ignoring the permanent tight band that seemed to have fixed there ever since he'd been freed of Lilith's influence. "What are you suggesting?" He asked, wariness evident in his tone as his eyebrows drew together. "Do you think I'm still dangerous, Alec? Is that what you're saying?"

Alec pressed his lips together, brows set in a frown as he looked at Jace, letting a slow breath out.

"No." The word was firm, leaving no room for argument. "Of course I don't think that, Jace." Because he didn't, not for a minute. But he was worried about the other things that Lilith might have done to Jace that were still haunting him, things that they couldn't see, like the nightmares, like the utter removal of Jace's deep, and very real, feelings for Clary. 

He sighed, unfolded his arms and walked over to Jace. He could feel his own exhaustion tugging at him as he did. It had been at least seventy-two hours since he'd last slept. His stamina rune was keeping it from showing, though. 

"I'm worried _about_ you, there's a difference."

Jace's jaw was tight as he waited on a response to his question and tension-riddled every inch of his body to the way his hands curled at his sides and how he held himself. Honestly ever since Magnus had freed him from the Owl, he had been waiting for everybody to turn on him because that was what he deserved. He didn't deserve their concern or their forgiveness, not with what he'd done. 

He finally exhaled when Alec spoke and forced his hands apart though he'd left crescent-shaped moon marks on the palms of his hands. "Yeah, well, right now you should be worrying about yourself." He gave his parabatai a pointed look. "You're exhausted, Alec. When was the last time you slept?"

"I'm capable of worrying about more than one thing at a time, Jace," Alec retorted, grumpily. He reached down and took hold of Jace's left hand, lifting it to see the nail marks left behind. He ran his thumb over them gently, meeting his parabatai's eyes and sighing. "Jace- no one blames you for what happened, except you. All we want to do is _help you_." 

He paused, then added firmly, "And even if everyone else did, you should know better than to think I would." 

Letting go of Jace's hand - because he couldn't rightly just stand there and hold it, he rubbed his hand over his eyes. "Don't know, since before we rescued Clary?" He reached down to his pocket to pick up his stele, but it wasn't there. He'd left it on the table. With a slight grumble at himself, he turned to head back to the table to get it. One more activation and he'd get to sleep. He still needed to check in on Clary, after all.

"I'm still gonna ask around about that spell. How to reverse it for you."

Jace's throat worked to swallow a sudden lump which had seemingly formed at the back of his throat when Alec took hold of his hand and ran his thumb over the marks he'd left behind. He chose not to comment about his parabatai's first comments not when it was a lot easier to focus on Alec and the fact he needed to sleep.

"Dude, really?" He asked, shaking his head in absolute dismay before he hurried after him and fastened his hands on Alec's arms, redirecting his parabatai from the table and in the direction of the door. "You need sleep. Actual sleep. The same way you told me I needed sleep."

Alec's fingers managed to snag on his stele before Jace had started to redirect him, but instead of activating his stamina rune he just slipped it into his pocket. 

"I think our situations are a little different, Jace," he pointed out, turning in Jace's grasp, ignoring the rush of warmth from where hands had caught on his arm. That soothing comfort that rippled through him that precious few could provide him. He swallowed, not pulling away though he sort of wanted to. It was easy to fall into Jace and he couldn't do that. Not again. "Just got a few more reports to file and then I'm done."

"Uh, no," Jace argued because Alec was stubborn but Jace could out-stubborn him any day of the week. "You can pick up those reports tomorrow. Right now I'm taking you to your room and putting you to bed."

Alec rolled his eyes, "At least let me get a message sent out to Lorenzo before you shove me face first into my mattress." Wow, he was tired, that was more of an innuendo than he should have been making.

Jace's eyebrows arched in response to Alec's comment before he simply barked out a laugh. "Pretty sure Magnus would have something to say if I did that." Because boyfriend. "And you can message Lorenzo after you wake up."

Alec snorted and waved a hand, exhaustion hitting him like a twelve-ton truck. He leaned into Jace a little before catching himself and straightening up. "Just let me get this message out, and then I promise, you can walk me to my room so you know I get there safe without passing out in the hallway or something."

"Fine," Jace bit out with a roll of his eyes before he just held up one finger. "Just one message and then you are going to bed. Got it?"

Alec's face broke out into a little grin and he slid out of Jace's grip, returning behind his desk to quickly send a message to Lorenzo. It was simple, sort of, just asking him to come in and consult - again - on this anti-love potion that Magnus had ended up inadvertently making for Lilith and ways that it could be reversed and removed so that Jace could just... get back to himself. To be happy with Clary again. To set the world to rights once more.

Once it was away, he pushed up off the table and gestured towards the door. "Since I think you won't leave me alone until you've walked me to my room, shall we?"

Jace smirked in response to Alec before he mimicked his gesture of sweeping his hand towards the door. "No, no, after you, by all means." He barely stopped a shit eating grin from creeping over his face as he waited.

"Don't even," Alec warned, pointing at Jace as he walked past him and headed out of the room, struggling to keep the affectionate smile from his face as he moved into the hallway, long legs taking him quickly away from the office.

Jace simply held up his hands and shook his head. "Who, me? I'm not doing anything. Not me." He did however fall into step beside Alec as the taller man moved in the direction of his bedroom. Jace was glad that Alec was listening to him and that much hadn't changed in the face of the recent challenges.

Alec snorted, "It looks like it's causing you physical pain not to grin at me. Just because I'm agreeing this once doesn't mean this is gonna be a..." he waved a hand between them, "a _thing_. I'm still the responsible one."

"Sure," Jace barely managed to get out without a smirk tugging at his lips. "Whatever you say, Alec." He patted his parabatai on the shoulder before simply falling into a comfortable silent step beside him.

Alec grumbled something under his breath and yawned, silent as they walked towards his room. Rubbing his hand through his hair, Alec paused at the door and looked at Jace offering him a small smile. "Y'know, I haven't seen Magnus in almost a week."

Jace frowned when Alec admitted to not having seen his boyfriend in almost a week. That was pretty unheard of given that the pair of them were head over heels and had for a long time been pretty damn inseparable.

“No? That isn’t like you guys.”

Alec shrugged, pushing the door to his room open. “Mm,” he offered a little sadly, “but things change, don’t they.” And besides, Alec’s place was here. It wasn’t easy to commute to Magnus’ without a portal and Magnus wasn’t ready to set foot in the institute. “Doesn’t really matter, go get some rest, Jace. You know where I am if you need anything.”

And with a tired, and sad small smile, Alec stepped into his room.

Jace frowned as Alec vanished into his room and he knew not everything was about him, but the timing was too good just to be coincidental. He shoved a hand through his hair before pushing a breath out of his chest and turning on his heel to find something to keep himself busy, so he didn't feel the need to fix this because he sure as hell couldn't fix himself.

Hopefully, Alec would actually get some sleep, hopefully.


End file.
